Parenting Time - How to Regain Lost Time
By Teresa Harlow
When parents divorce, they may end up splitting parenting time equally or arrive at some other arrangement. Some even lose all visitation. Coping with this loss of parenting time can weigh heavily on parents. But all is not lost and rest assured, there are many ways to maintain a connection with your child throughout their life.
Check out the ten options below which divorced parents can leverage to regain time with their kids. Determine which ones will work for your situation and implement them to help you reduce separation anxiety and strengthen your bond with your child. Where there is a will, there is a way.
1. Live close to the other parent
Living close to the other parent reduces commuting time between homes. Commuting is basically lost time. You may get to have a conversation with your child when they are commuting with you. But if you are driving to them or they are being driven to you, you are losing time that could have otherwise been spent together. Try as we might to change it, there will always only be twenty-four hours in a day.
Additionally, living close will make it easier for both parents to attend school related functions and to be connected to the same community of parents and children that your child interacts with.
And let me tell you, if your children spend time in both homes, you will inevitably be retrieving items from your co-parents home quite regularly until your children are driving. So make it easier on yourself and everyone else. Live close by.
2. Talk to your child daily on the phone or computer
Today’s parents have lots of options for communicating with children when they are not with them. There are video calls through Facetime on iPhones, Duo on Androids, and a variety of free online computer video calling options including Zoom, Google Meets, Skype, and many more. Even if video is not an option because of connectivity or other circumstances, you can at least call on the phone to speak with your child for a few minutes every day. Even if it’s just to check in, tell them you love them, and say good night, this simple gesture goes a long way in letting them know you are part of their world no matter where they are.
Some parents have difficulty allowing their co-parent access to a child when it is not “their time”. For those with this hang-up, stop and think for a minute about your expectations and desires when it comes to communicating with your child. Do you believe you should be allowed to talk to your child when they are at the other parent’s house? Why should divorcing each other inhibit a parent’s access to their child anyway? Of course, access should be exercised with some consideration for the other parent. So be reasonable. Avoid calling at dinner or past your child’s expected bedtime. If you know they are doing something with their other parent, avoid interrupting. If you extend this courtesy to your co-parent, they are far more likely to do the same for you.
If your co-parent is disallowing you the right to speak to your child when they are not with you, talk to them about it. Ask what their issues are with you talking to your child and listen with an open mind. Make suggestions that will make it less disruptive and easier for your co-parent to say yes. Explain how important it is for you to hear your child’s voice every day and for them to hear yours. If you are dealing with a high conflict co-parent or one with a particularly difficult personality, they may not respond to this. But then again, it’s worth trying. You might even remind them of anything specifically designated in your parenting plan that supports your right to have access to your child.
Be respectful and considerate when choosing the times and frequency of your calls with your child. Your ex doesn’t want to feel like you are living with them on the phone in their home any more than you want them back in your home.
3. Volunteer to be the before or after-school parent
If one parent works before school starts and the other has more flexibility or a different schedule that allows them to care for the children before and/or after school, let the available parent care for the child during those times. Assuming the commute to their home does not inhibit this possibility (see #1 above), it makes more sense for the child to spend time with their parent versus a childcare provider or hanging out in a latchkey program at school.
Additionally, if a grandparent is available and interested in helping with childcare, give them the opportunity when neither parent is available. Even if it’s your in-law and your child is with you for the week. They are still your children’s grandparent.
4. Attend all your child's events (sports, music, scouts, etc.)
This includes the ones that the other parent or their family attend. While your child may be busy with whatever activity they are doing, they’ll know you are there and may have time to at least chat with you briefly or give you one of those much-treasured hugs. Plus, it’s a simple way of showing your child you are there for them and care about the things that matter to them.
In addition to the added time it gives you with your child, when you attend an event where your co-parent or their family are in attendance, it is also an opportunity to bond with them over something you still have in common, your love for your child. Finding things you agree on can provide a bridge to mutual respect.
5. Offer to transport the children to and from sports and other extracurricular activities
Similar to the idea of providing before and after school care, if you are available, why should your co-parent have to find someone else to transport your child to their activity? When you offer to be part of the solution in these situations, your co-parent will begin to see you as a member of their parenting team rather than as an adversary to whom they hand their child off for visitation. Plus, it’s another chance for you to spend time with your child and catch up on the ride to and from their activity. You could even offer to take them for ice cream after. Just be respectful of your co-parent’s plans. As a matter of courtesy, clear this with them in advance.
6. Arrange to receive all your child's school information
Take the initiative to learn about days off from school, extended breaks, class parties, special in-class presentations, ceremonies, field trips and other activities in need of chaperones. Make sure you are aware of all activities in which parents are invited to participate.
Also, don’t forget about special moments such as daddy-daughter dances and prom photo gatherings.
7. Take family vacations with your children
Even parents who have limited visitation with a child often have two weeks of uninterrupted time allotted to them each year for a family vacation. If you can’t afford or don’t have time off to go on an extravagant vacation, take advantage of this time to reconnect with your child. Spend quality time with them. Money tight? Stay in a tent for a couple nights at a nearby campground – or even in your backyard! Go to a local museum. Visit the library or local parks.
Even doing crafts at home with your kids or watching movies together can show them that you like being around them. Plant a garden or teach them something about caring for the home like doing basic repairs or cooking a meal. The skill they learn will be valuable to them when they get older plus they will feel like they have contributed something to the home. You could also end up having a lot of fun together.
8. Offer to plan and host parties to celebrate your child's milestones such as birthdays and graduations
Again when you offer these things, you become part of the parenting team and one who contributes to the efforts of parenting. Even if your son’s 13th or your daughter’s 16th birthday occur when they are with your co-parent, you can offer up your home for the kid or adult party if one of these options makes sense. Your co-parent may appreciate having some of the burden taken off their plate.
If the party is being planned at the other parent’s home, ask what you can do to help. Can you contribute decorations or help set up chairs or other party necessities?
You see, there are tons of ways to regain time with your child. You just need to get creative, get involved, and plan your schedule very intentionally. Consider allotting paid time off to make these things happen. One thing is for certain, once they are grown, the time is gone forever. So do everything you can to make the most of today!
About the Author: Teresa Harlow is an author, speaker, mediator, and coach. Learn more about Teresa and her book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code at https://TeresaHarlow.com