Is Parallel Parenting Right for You?
By Teresa Luse
Let’s be honest. Not every divorced parent can co-parent with a former partner. It sounds great—working together, communicating calmly, putting the kids first. But what happens when your ex treats co-parenting like a courtroom or an opportunity to abuse you?
That’s where parallel parenting can be a viable option. And while it can be a lifesaver in some situations, it’s not the gold standard—it is better reserved as either the last resort or the only choice.
Parallel parenting is a low-conflict solution for families where traditional co-parenting just doesn’t work—after other methods have been exhausted.
In this article, we’ll dig into:
What parallel parenting is—and isn’t
When it’s appropriate (and when it’s not)
The pros and cons
How to combine parallel and collaborative strategies
Questions to help you determine what’s best for your family
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured, low-contact form of post-divorce parenting where each parent handles day-to-day responsibilities independently. Communication is limited to logistics, typically in writing, and major decisions are either predetermined or handled separately. Parents disengage from one another but stay engaged with their children.
Think of it like two solo artists sharing a stage at different times. You're both part of the show—but not performing together.
Key Characteristics:
Minimal interaction between parents
Independent decision-making during each parent’s parenting time
Written-only communication, often via apps
Separate attendance or no attendance at child events
Rigid parenting plan with no ambiguity
Again, this is not about teamwork. It’s about creating a clear wall between two households to keep the peace.
When Is It Appropriate?
Here’s the key: Parallel parenting should not be your first stop just because things feel hard or uncomfortable. You have many less severe choices.
This model is best reserved for:
Situations involving restraining orders or documented abuse
Court-ordered communication limits
Patterns of dangerous or destabilizing behavior
Long-term failed attempts at collaboration despite coaching, mediation, or education
Too often, parents jump to parallel parenting just to avoid conflict. That’s a mistake. Conflict is uncomfortable—but not always unworkable. Many co-parents just need support learning how to disagree without dysfunction. That kind of work prevents long-term harm to both the parenting relationship and the child.
If you haven’t yet made a genuine attempt at collaborative co-parenting—with support, tools, and structure—don’t skip that step. Tools like co-parenting apps can help.
What Parallel Parenting Is Not
A sign you failed at co-parenting
A license to disengage from your child’s other parent for convenience
Something that needs to be “formally” declared in order to implement
The only option when you disagree about parenting styles
In fact, many parents I coach use a hybrid approach. They agree to leave certain parenting decisions to the other parent—even if they disagree—and still collaborate on the things that truly matter.
I teach a method called The 3 Lists, which helps co-parents reconcile parenting differences without constant interference or conflict. You can read about it here: https://teresaharlow.com/3-lists-co-parents-can-use-to-reconcile-differences-in-parenting
A blended model often works better for the kids.
Pros of Parallel Parenting ✅
Reduces constant communication—and the conflict that comes with it
Example: Instead of texting back and forth for days about whether your child can attend a birthday party on your co-parent’s weekend, the plan is clear: each parent decides what happens on their own time. No input required. Less stress all around.
Protects children from adult disputes
Example: Your child doesn’t have to report what happened at mom’s house to dad because both homes operate independently and privately. This keeps the child out of the middle.
Creates predictable, low-drama routines
Example: Exchanges happen at school or via neutral third party—no face-to-face drama. This eases transitions for the child.
Gives parents time to heal
Example: One parent may use this time to work with a therapist or coach to process the breakup and prepare for a more functional parenting relationship down the road. Parallel parenting provides a buffer zone for emotional recovery.
Everything is in writing
Example: A disagreement about who was supposed to pick up the child is settled by checking the calendar notes. Written records clarify misunderstandings and protect you legally.
Cons of Parallel Parenting ❌
Wildly inconsistent parenting experiences for the child
Example: At one house, the parent restricts the child’s comings and goings to ensure their safety. The other parent lets the child come and go as they please. Over time, this inconsistency can lead to the child being exposed to danger, developing behavioral issues, or feeling resentful toward the stricter parent.
NOTE: Some non-destructive variances between homes such as bedtimes and the foods a child is allowed to eat can be easily rationalized to the child by simply explaining to them that different houses have different circumstances and because of this may follow different rules. Just make sure your child understands that rules related to the law, their imminent safety, and respect for others apply regardless of whom they are with.
Limited ability to problem-solve together
Shared decisions like school issues can be delayed or avoided. This impacts the child's well-being.
No modeling of healthy conflict resolution
Children benefit from seeing respectful disagreement. When parents never speak, the child may assume silence is the only option in conflict.
Rigid structure can prevent growth
It’s easy to stay in parallel parenting—even when things improve. Fear of re-engagement can block healing and cooperation.
May lead to disengagement over time
Some parents drift into a mode of avoidance and begin opting out of key aspects of their child's life—not out of conflict, but out of detachment. This isn't parallel parenting—it's neglect.
Who It Works Well For
Parallel parenting is often the right choice when:
Court-ordered boundaries or protective measures are in place
One or both parents continue to behave in unsafe, aggressive, or destabilizing ways
Communication repeatedly results in emotional, legal, or psychological harm
Every attempt at collaboration—coaching, therapy, structured plans—has failed
Who It Doesn’t Work For
Avoid parallel parenting if:
Your biggest issue is discomfort, not danger
You haven’t tried structured co-parenting help (like coaching or mediation)
Your child benefits from aligned routines or special accommodations
You’re seeking a long-term cooperative relationship but just need support to get there
Often, a blended model using both approaches works best. If you need help creating that, I work with parents as a co-parenting coach to build a plan tailored to your family.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Have I made a real attempt to co-parent collaboratively—with help if needed?
Is there a history of abuse, legal intervention, or safety concerns that prevent contact?
Do I feel unsafe or extremely distressed when communicating with my co-parent?
Is the conflict putting my child’s emotional health at risk?
Am I seeking parallel parenting just to avoid discomfort—or because other strategies have failed?
Can I commit to a model that gives my child peace, even if it’s not ideal?
Am I open to revisiting this structure if things improve?
Would working with a co-parenting coach help us clarify boundaries and develop a more effective plan?
Revisiting Your Parenting Plan
No parenting plan should be set in stone forever—especially one built around distance and minimal contact. Families grow, circumstances change, and people can evolve (even your co-parent). That’s why it’s crucial to regularly revisit your parenting plan.
A good rule of thumb is to review the plan annually, or whenever a major life event happens—like a relocation, remarriage, change in the child’s needs, or improvement in parental communication.
If parallel parenting has served its purpose and reduced the conflict, you may be ready to transition to a more cooperative model. This could involve agreeing on a few shared rules, attending events together without drama, or simply opening up communication beyond logistics.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Growth often happens in small, steady steps. And if you need help navigating this transition, working with a co-parenting coach can help you assess readiness and map out next steps.
Final Word
Parallel parenting is a useful strategy—for the right families, at the right time. It offers peace and protection. But it should never be the first step just because it feels easier.
Many parents benefit from learning to disagree and give space—without shutting down communication.
And if you’re unsure which path to take, or you want help designing a parenting plan that works for your unique situation, get help from a professional co-parenting coach. I’ve guided countless parents toward peace—whether that means working together more, creating better boundaries, or blending both.
Bottom line: Be intentional. Protect your peace—but stay open to possibility.
You and your kids deserve a plan that is not the easiest choice, but rather the best choice!
Teresa Luse is a Co-parenting Coach, Family Mediator, Speaker, and Author of the Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more about Teresa at Coparent-Coach.com.