Parenting Plan Living Arrangements: Where Will Everyone Live?
By Teresa Harlow
Did you recently become separated from your children’s other parent? If so, you’ve probably begun, are in the process of, or are done creating your parenting plan as part of your divorce or dissolution process. The Living Arrangements section of the parenting plan that you create is the section in which you will define where everyone lives. You may be assuming the only option you two have is to establish two separate homes and split the children’s time between them. While this is still the most common choice, today’s parents are devising many other creative options—some of which I wish I had thought of some twenty-plus years ago.
As you consider where everyone will live, I urge you to make living close to each other a priority. I cannot overstate how much easier life was being a half mile drive from my son’s father’s house when it came time to pick him up or retrieve a musical instrument, soccer shoes, or special stuffed animal that had been left at dad’s. The payoff for what may at first make you feel a bit squeamish will pay off in spades.
Now let’s take a look at some less common post-split living arrangements for families. What do you think?
Bird-nesting
Everyone in one home
Next door neighbors
Bird-nesting
In this modern arrangement, there is one primary residence where the children live full-time. The parents then take turns rotating in and out of the home on a routine schedule. When not in the family home, the parents may choose to share an apartment or second home that they rotate in and out of. For those with the financial means, both parents may acquire separate homes to live in when not in the family residence. Still others may have a separate apartment with one or more roommates which they live in during their “off” week.
From what I’ve observed and from my own experience having “bird-nested” for about four months during the early days of our separation, this is usually done on a short-term basis. We did it while we prepared to sell our joint home. It served very well in the short term to relieve the tension that comes from cohabitating with someone from whom you are divorcing. The negative energy when together can be overwhelming, and it can feel like you’re watching your marriage die. This negative energy can also affect the kids. Although you should consider timing any residential moves to minimize disruptions to school and extra-curricular schedules.
When implemented as a short-term fix, you can also consider temporary housing options such as living part-time with a family member or friend. Since you won’t actually being taking your child to the other residence, many of those close to you could be willing candidates.
If you’re considering bird-nesting for your permanent plan, you and the other parent should set ground rules around housekeeping, visitors, and household expenses. Can you both agree not to bring other romantic interests to the family home? If you are sharing a parent residence that you each rotate in and out of, be sure to cover the same bases for that home.
Everyone in One Home
Yes, some people even do this! Personally, I don’t know how. But if it works for them, more power to ’em. We see this choice made more frequently when there is something going on economically that prevents the equitable sale of the family house. In 2009, there was a severe downturn in the price of homes, and many found themselves owing more on the house than they could sell it for. So rather than taking the loss and not having any money to pay toward new homes, many parents stayed put until home prices rebounded.
In 2020 – 2021, many parents stayed put in the same home due to the COVID-19 global pandemic. With health concerns and aggressive restrictions on movement from place to place coupled with a severe shortage of homes for sale (no one was moving anywhere), coupled with escalating home prices, it just wasn’t (or maybe still isn’t) tenable to make a move.
2009 and 2020-2021 present extraordinary circumstances. However, in “normal” times, whatever that is, continuing to live together will probably only work for a very small number of parents or for a short time. After all, it would be difficult at best to realize most of the gains from divorcing. Starting fresh, making your own independent choices, eliminating the conflicts caused by living together, and eventually moving on to new relationships are all pretty difficult if you still live under the same roof.
Sure, everyone living together in one home is the most attractive choice financially and maybe for the kids too if conflicts are kept to a minimum. Just be aware that once either of you begins to explore new romantic relationships, the other will have a bird’s-eye view of these activities. That could become extremely awkward, if not troublesome.
Become Next-door Neighbors
In a variation on the two-home concept and bird-nesting options comes a compromise – co-parents living next-door to one another. These include:
Single-family homes next-door to or across the street from one another
Twin singles or duplexes
Adjacent town homes or condominiums
Adjoining apartments
Frankly, I wish I had thought of these options. If you can stand the idea of being able to see each other’s comings and goings, AND be good neighbors to one another, this is certainly a great choice for the kids, imposing a minimal disruption on their family unit while affording each of you the freedom that comes with living separately from an ex-romantic partner.
More Common Living Arrangements for Divorced Parents
Are the above ideas a bit to too wacko for you? You can certainly fall back to one of the more common choices.
· Two New, Separate Homes – both parents leave the current home and move to two new, separate residences
· Old Home/New Home - One parent stays put and the other moves elsewhere
· Live with family or friends
Maybe you want to stay in your current home while your spouse plans to move out. Provided you’ve assessed the feasibility of this regardless of any spousal support you expect to get, then staying in the current home can be one less change to put your children and yourself through as you work through the enormous transition that comes with separating from your parenting partner.
But be careful here. If the only way you can afford to stay in your current home is based on support from an ex, you could be exposing yourself financially to circumstances out of your control. Besides those who simply act irresponsible and refuse to pay spousal support, there are those who unexpectedly encounter a legitimate financial hardship, such as job loss or disabling illness. Of course, you can leverage the courts to enforce your support order. But this can get pricey for you. Plus if they really don’t have it, you can’t get it from them until they do whether you impose legal action or not. So be careful of leaving yourself open to this financial vulnerability. Only select an apartment or home that you can afford without anyone else’s help.
You could also live with family or friends– or take on a roommate to help fund your chosen residence. But again, sometimes these scenarios sound good at first but over time become less attractive to everyone. So be prepared to make the necessary changes should such an arrangement fall apart.
Of course, you can just default to the most common choice which is to move to two separate residences and have your children split time between them. Whatever living arrangements you choose initially, I highly recommend including a maximum distance from which parents can live from each other. This will ensure that one parent can’t up and move to another city, state, or even country without getting the plan changed either with the other’s agreement or through the courts. You may not think you need this today. But who knows who or what could influence either of you in the future?
Having trouble getting on the same wavelength with your co-parent? Feeling defeated? Teresa offers Co-parent Coaching specifically designed to help you reset your relationship with your co-parent no matter how bad it might be* or how long you’ve been at each other. This simple 4 step process will help the two of you move past differences and collaboratively co-parent your children. Email Info@TeresaHarlow.com to find out more or set up your free consultation on Teresa’s calendar at https://calendly.com/teresaharlow. The book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code is available in paperback, ebook, and audiobook. Go to TeresaHarlow.com, Amazon, or anywhere else books are sold.
*For those in relationships involving substance abuse, criminal behavior, or domestic violence, please seek help from family professionals including lawyers, psychologists, and law enforcement. For domestic violence support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or go to their website https://www.thehotline.org/.