Your Co-parent is a Narcissist… Now what?
By Teresa Luse
Not a day go by without at least one co-parent coaching client telling me their co-parent is a narcissist. It has to be the most common adjective parents in conflict use when describing each other. But…
What is a Narcissist?
First, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a recognized mental health condition. If you do a quick internet search, the clinical definition involves a person who has…
an exaggerated view of their self-importance / arrogance
a profound lack of empathy
and a sense of entitlement / lack of accountability
As you examine those qualifiers, you may be matching them up to your co-parent right now to confirm your opinion of them. Afterall, you have the receipts from their past behavior and just know they are a narcissist.
But not so fast. We first need to add some context to the above definition.
Are You Dealing with a Narcissist or Narcissistic Behavior?
For a person to be clinically diagnosed as a narcissist, they must demonstrate these characteristics persistently regardless of the subjects or situations. In other words, they can’t lack empathy with an ex yet demonstrate empathy toward others. They can’t blast you with a litany of reasons why they are so special while not acting arrogantly toward their friends and family. The narcissist thinks everybody owes them. Not just you. So consistently demonstrating these characteristics differentiates the narcissist from someone who acts narcissistically in certain situations.
If you’re being honest, you can probably point to an occasion where someone could have interpreted your behavior as narcissistic. But that doesn’t make you a narcissist. It makes you imperfect and human.
Why does this distinction matter? Because if your co-parent has the capacity to demonstrate empathy, humility, and accountability in one situation, they can do it in every situation. They just need the right motivation to do choose differently with you.
This isn’t about letting your co-parent off the hook for how they treat you. It’s about retaking control of your situation. Because you share a child with this person, whether they will admit it or not, you hold great influence over them.
So the good news is your co-parent’s behavior toward you can be transformed. You hold the keys that either encourage or discourage their narcissism.
But first, let’s discuss why it isn’t in your interest to label your co-parent a narcissist.
The Disadvantages of Labeling the Narcissist
The label is subjective: The three characteristics described for the narcissist above are subjective. It’s not like a math equation with an absolute answer. Interpretation is in the eye of the beholder… an opinion. And the person toward whom a behavior is aimed could have their own biases.
If a dear friend who you’ve never had conflict with fails to express empathy, humility, or accountability with you in a given situation, do you label them a narcissist or question what might be going on with them to cause this different behavior. Did they misunderstand you? Why do you seek to understand your friend? Because you don’t have the checkered past with them. You’re not hearing everything they say to you through a filter full of preconceived notions.
What if you sought to understand why your co-parent is behaving in such a way?
The label absolves both co-parents of the responsibility to do better: When a co-parent declares the other parent a narcissist, they might as well use the words “lost cause.” In effect, both parents have earned a license for inaction. Why bother trying to get along as it has been declared to be a futile effort.
If you’re not satisfied with forfeiting and want more for your child and yourself, read on…
Can a Narcissist Change?
Short of a dramatic life shift, a true narcissist is likely not one that can be reformed. First, they don’t think they need to be reformed. They think their choices and behavior is justified. Second, since they really don’t care how their actions affect others, they have no motivation to change.
However, if the person we’re talking about is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, but is not a bona fide narcissist, yes, they can change with the proper motivation.
But how when your co-parent is always telling you what a great parent they are and how you suck? They don’t care about your difficulties and may even celebrate them. And they think they’re entitled to act however they see fit, regardless of what you think. You’re not their boss.
Yet, there is a path forward…
To reduce, diffuse, and redirect conflict with a narcissist co-parent, your best strategy is to neutralize their apprehensions to being humble, empathetic, and accountable. Often narcissism is the result of their self-defense mechanism being activated. So make it safe for them to choose the vulnerable behaviors of humility, empathy, and accountability toward you.
Let’s take these one at a time.
Coping with Your Co-parent’s Exaggerated View of Self Importance (a.k.a. Arrogance)
While it may sound counter intuitive, I’ve found that when my coaching clients describe their co-parent as arrogant (i.e., that exaggerated view of self-importance), these individuals are actually compensating for feelings of insecurity and a lack of confidence with the other parent.
The death of an intimate relationship can certainly make a person question themselves. Your co-parent used to hold your attention. Now they don’t. You used to value their opinion. Now, you have less interest in it. You used to have eyes only for them. Now they know you are free to look elsewhere.
But to be clear, this isn’t about you. It’s about them wanting to protect their self-esteem. Their worth, confidence, and sense of security has been shattered. So their self-defenses kick in to protect them from further harm. And so, they set out to convince you they are great.
To neutralize your co-parent’s arrogance, don’t push back against it. Instead acknowledge their claims. This doesn’t mean that you agree with them, but it does tell them that you’re listening, which can interrupt their efforts. Here are a few simple phrases of acknowledgment:
“I hear what you’re saying.”
“I appreciate you sharing that.”
“I appreciate your efforts.”
If you agree with them, you could say things like…
“I agree.”
“You’re right.”
“You have always been good at <fill in the blank>.”
Here’s an example I played out with a co-parent I coach. My client is co-parent #2.
Co-parent #1: I am a great parent. If you were, you’d realize that.
Co-parent #2: I appreciate your parenting efforts.
Dealing with a Co-parent’s Lack of Empathy
Co-parents who are still angry, hurt, or disappointed following a split do many things to punish their former intimate partner. They may seek to ruin them financially, wreck them emotionally, or both. This sounds narcissistic enough. But really, they are seeking justice so they can move on from their failure with you.
To neutralize your co-parent’s lack of empathy, played out as attempts to punish you…
Apologize for mistakes you made when the two of you were together or that have occurred within your co-parenting relationship.
Demonstrate empathy toward them, even when they don’t afford you empathy
Here is a real-world example taken from my coaching efforts in which co-parent 1 has went full-on frontal assault in an email to their co-parent…
Co-parent 1: I will ruin you. You are a terrible parent and person. You can burn in hell for all I care.
Co-parent 2: I understand you are angry and dislike me. I am sorry things didn’t work out between us.
Neutralizing Your Co-parent’s Entitlement Complex
The person who feels entitled doesn’t feel accountable. Afterall, they think their mistakes are your fault. They don’t feel accountable for harsh words toward you. They believe you’ve earned them. They don’t feel they owe you reasonability. They think you’re the irrational one. In fact, the one thing you two have in common besides your child is thinking the other is a narcissist.
To encourage accountability with your co-parent, you must ignore the combative firehose and instead ask lots of questions. I know this sounds painful. But this is how you get to a point of neutralizing their sense of entitlement. You want to exhaust the avenues they use to divert accountability.
If they tell you something they did is your fault, say, “Tell me more about that.”
If they yell at you, insult you, and scream profanity at you, say, “How would you like me to respond to all of that?”
If they say they are not going to communicate with you because you are crazy, say, “Ok, then how would you suggest we coordinate parenting efforts for our son?”
To wrap it up…
Most people are not narcissist. But many co-parents act narcissistically toward their ex-partners. For these parttime narcissists and their co-parents, there is hope. Focus on the suggestion made here to neutralize your co-parent’s arrogance, lack of empathy, and sense of entitlement and you may just get somewhere better.
Teresa Luse is a Co-parenting Coach, Family Mediator, Speaker, and Author of Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Learn more about Teresa at Coparent-Coach.com.