Parenting Time – Did You Know?
By Teresa Harlow
While most domestic courts offer guidelines and may even suggest predefined schedules for divorcing parents to divide time with their children, in many cases, you have a far broader array of options to pick from. In fact, you may be able to design your own schedule, which is more creative, flexible, and well suited for your family’s specific circumstances.
Of course, it is important for you and your co-parent to consult local laws and seek professional assistance to ensure that whatever schedule you devise is properly documented and will be accepted by the courts. Additionally, family professionals such as lawyers and mediators can help to facilitate the process between you and your co-parent. As a family and divorce mediator trained by the Ohio Supreme Court, I work with parents to help them create equitable parenting plans that the courts will accept. Leveraging a mediator can help divorcing parents maintain control of their outcome while avoiding the high cost of litigation.
Parenting Time Considerations
When you begin to discuss parenting time with a co-parent, it can be an emotional process. Afterall, you’re facing giving up precious time with your kiddos and that can be depressing for many. Just remember, your co-parent is experiencing these feelings to.
Besides the literal calendar and clock, you also need to consider the capacity for parent and child to be absent from each other. If separation anxiety is an issue, deal with it in the parenting calendar. I had this issue when my son’s father and I split. Because of this, our schedule included a mid-week swap on our “off week” to allow our child to return to the other parent overnight for one night so that there were never more than four nights of absence from the son for either parent. See the sample shared parenting schedules for more options.
You may also want to consider commuting distance between homes, extra-curricular activities, parent or child work schedules, the sibling’s schedules, and each parents competency as a care giver. Of course, this last one can be tricky.
When parents disagree on disciplinary styles, one may accuse another of being a bad parent when in fact they just exercise different parenting styles. So when I say parenting competency, I’m confining the term to the capacity for a parent to provide their child with a safe living environment.
Which parent is responsible for transportation?
In general and in the absence of another agreement, whomever the child is with at any given time has primary responsibility for transporting the child to school and extra-curricular activities. This doesn’t preclude you two from creating a better arrangement should that make more sense for your family. If transportation causes difficulties for one parent, for example with a work schedule, discuss it and document adjustments in the schedule to proactively resolve any problems.
Plan for changes and disagreements with the Parenting Calendar
The name of the game here is to be sensible and flexible while also being consistent and considerate. Address and proactively eliminate issues by incorporating real solutions you both agree to in the plan. Be creative and openminded when developing the schedule. And be sure to define how disagreements will be handled when they inevitably arise. Will you engage a mediator, ask for input from an older child, enlist the help of extended family, or flip a coin? Ok, that last one was just a test to see if you’re really paying attention.
Also, don’t forget to consider everyone’s mental and physical well-being in the plan. Then, stick to it to provide your child with predictability and to help them feel secure.
Parent-Child Calendars (a.k.a. Custody Calendars)
The calendar you create should show the times that the child(ren) will be with each parent on weekdays and weeknights, weekends, holidays, days of special meaning, and vacations. While parents may change the schedule as they find it necessary to do so, the Courts cannot enforce any change unless and until it is Court ordered. So if the two of you can’t agree on a permanent change, you may need to reengage legal help.
Parenting Time During Holidays, Vacations, and Days of Special Meaning
School Year – A week on week off calendar is common but it certainly is not the only choice. Some kids spend time at the alternate parent’s house before or after school as a matter of practically dealing with work schedule differences.
Summer Break – Many parents agree to designate certain spans of time as uninterrupted with each parent to allow for family vacation planning.
Winter and Spring Breaks – Religious affiliations, traditions, school calendars, and extra-curricular activities may all influence the agreement parents devise for these breaks. It also may be something they decide must change or rotate year to year to allow each parent an equitable parenting experience.
Holidays, religious celebrations, cultural celebrations, and other special days – Besides the holiday and religious celebrations that coincide with winter and spring break, there are government holidays, school-designated holidays, and other special days that should be addressed. Other special days include the child’s birthday, the parents’ birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
Illness and changes – Be sure to discuss and document in the parenting plan how illnesses of either the child or the parent will be handled regarding parenting time. Will the other parent have the right of first refusal – in other words be offered the first opportunity to take the child when the regular arrangement cannot be maintained?
Special Circumstances (long distance arrangements, special needs, military deployments) – Does your family have special or extenuating circumstances that should be addressed? If a child has special physical or mental needs, it may make a particular schedule impractical or even impossible. A military parent who is called to active duty may be forced to relinquish time and concede to a new arrangement during their active deployment. Does the distance you live influence the parenting schedule? Will extended family members be involved in the care of the children? Be sure to think these things through, discuss them, and document the details to capture how they will be handled.
Sample Shared Parenting Schedules
Below are common parenting calendars for those with shared parenting or joint custody. Your calendar, however, is only limited by your own creativity.
50/50 Alternating weeks schedule – the child spends one week with one parent and the next week with the other parent
50/50 2-2-3 schedule – the child spends two days with one parent, then two days with the other parent, and three days with the first parent. The schedule switches the following week.
50/50 2-2-5-5 schedule – the child spends two days with each parent and then five days with each parent, again flipping the calendar after the first rotation.
View other schedules including 60/40, 70/30, age-based schedules, and special circumstance schedules on custodyxchange.com.
Don’t Use Parenting Time as a Bargaining Chip or Weapon
In some states, the calculation for child support is heavily based on how much time the child spends with each parent. Federal income tax considerations are also based on this metric. For example, the Child Tax Credit and Head of Household filing designation consider parenting time in their criteria. For this reason, some parents are financially motivated to have more time with their child and in effect, deny the other parent time with them.
While I get it that we all have household budgets to maintain, this cannot be the center of your decision-making when it comes to establishing a shared parenting calendar. The priority must be to ensure that each parent has the opportunity to foster a loving relationship with their child and participate in the parenting process to the benefit of the child’s upbringing. Afterall, isn’t this what you expect for yourself?
There are also parents who will withhold visitation because of other unrelated matters such as unpaid child support. It is never okay to withhold visitation arbitrarily. You must get agreement from your co-parent to scheduling changes. If this is not feasible, you must seek a legal remedy if you feel it is in the best interest of your child for them to not spend time with their other parent. Otherwise, you could be held in contempt of the Court and be subject to fines or even jail time.
If there is a true concern for the safety of your child, seek legal advice immediately and engage them to take appropriate measures to protect your child and insulate you from legal liability.
Allowing Reasonable Access to a Child When in the Care of the Other Parent
Ok, just because it is your week doesn’t mean your child’s other parent shouldn’t be allowed to speak to them. In most states, you are obligated to allow your child’s other parent reasonable access by telephone, in case of injury or school matters, and during extra-curricular activities. If this makes you uncomfortable, focus instead on your common interest with your co-parent at these events… your child.
What if you or the other parent have Sole Custody?
If you are not pursuing joint custody or shared parenting, you still have rights as a parent, even when your child is with their other parent. Consult your local laws to learn about your rights. Be an active part in your child’s life. Don’t check out on them. You are still a major influence in their upbringing. And you never know when circumstances might change for you and your child. Choose to be a good parent.
About the Author: Teresa Harlow is an author, speaker, mediator, and coach. Learn more about Teresa and her book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code at https://TeresaHarlow.com