Parent-child Communication After Divorce or Separation
By Teresa Harlow
Co-parenting Facebook groups are flush with posts from parents complaining about every aspect of communication between children and their other parent. There are parents who complain about a co-parent that calls too much. On the other side are the parents upset that they are never allowed to talk to their child when they are not with them. Finally, we have the mom who can’t understand why it’s a problem for her to call her daughter twenty times a day when she’s with her dad.
Why is this so complicated? The fact is if the parents would have stayed together, the child would be able to talk to the parent and vice versa without any restrictions, except during school or extracurricular activities. And even with these, a parent can certainly intervene to speak to a child when necessary.
Even for parents who live together, there are typically common courtesies observed between two parents.
Common Courtesies of Communication
Most cultures recognize some universal norms. For instance, if one parent is talking to a child, the other wouldn’t just interrupt them and expect their partner to be fine with that. If a dad wants to speak to his daughter before she leaves for school every day, he just does it when they live in the same house. Why is this a problem when they don’t?
Then there are norms specific to a family. Maybe you have a no phone policy during dinner time. Pretty easy to carry out when you and the other parent are in the same house and on the same schedule, right? But when parents live apart, it’s easy to forget about honoring such preferences.
Two Homes Requires Twice the Thought and Much More Grace
When you divorce or separate from your children’s other parent, if you want to keep conflict to a minimum, you’ll have to take more care to achieving many tasks that just happened without a lot of thought when you were together. And communication between your child and both parents is one you’ll want to spend a lot of energy on.
Before we get into the mechanics though, let’s take inventory of a few points. First, you separated from the other parent. Your child did not. If you are the one who left the family home, you left the home. But you didn’t leave the child. As it is well documented that children do better when both parents remain active in their lives, let’s set you both up for success as parents.
According to Merriam-Webster, grace is defined as an act of kind assistance. As you lay the groundwork for your child to communicate with both parents, adopt an attitude of grace. Come to terms with the fact that creating a positive dynamic in this new chapter will take more planning and a great deal more consideration of others. I promise you, though, our efforts will be rewarded with an emotionally healthier, happier child.
Creating Your Parent Communication Plan
This section of your parenting plan can go a long way in establishing expectations between co-parents and preventing future conflicts. If you need to create your parenting plan or already have one, make sure the following items are addressed within it.
Parent to Child Contact in General: Establish an expectation that both parents and child have the right to communicate by phone. Although, this doesn’t mean you both shouldn’t set some ground rules. Agree on reasonable restrictions such as no calls after the child’s bedtime or before a certain time each morning. It may also be good to clarify that emergency calls are always allowed, provided the definition is not abused. Most adults will not. It’s up to you, the parent, to explain to your child what constitutes an emergency.
In Person Visits Between Parenting Times: Decide how the two of you want to manage in-person visits with the child when they are with the other parent. Is notice required or can you just show up at each other’s house? Assuming you don’t have restraining orders against each other, at a minimum, I would suggest agreeing that a parent call the other parent before just showing up. But if you feel more advance notice is needed, you could say that the visiting parent must call the other 2-hours or a day before, depending on your circumstances. But don’t be so ridged that simply stopping by to congratulate a child for a special accomplishment or to bring them something from the other home requires an act of Congress. You may also want to spell out how you will resolve matters if the other parent says no to the visit for some reason. Do you agree that, if you refuse a visit, and assuming you are not out of town, you will find another time for the child and parent to see each other within 48 hours?
Phone Calls between Child and Parent: What phones may be used for the child and parent to communicate? Are there house phones, cell phones, or does the child have their own phone? What common courtesies do each of you agree to observe? Do you accept that your child may not always be available to take your call? Do you agree to make sure that when the other parent calls that your child will return their call within a certain amount of time? Do you agree to not call your child during certain times such as dinner hours, naptimes, or special family vacation times? Is there a desire and agreement to cap the number of calls or duration of all calls within a day? Most parents won’t need to go into this level of detail. But if you have a high-conflict relationship with an ex, documenting these specifics can clarify expectations between parents. NOTE: If you can’t agree on these details, it may help to enlist the help of a mediator to hash it out.
Kids and Cell Phones: Will your child have their own cell phone? If so, who pays for the phone? If your child is very young, at what age do the two of you agree that your child can obtain their first phone? Will you be jointly choosing the phone or will one parent have decision making authority over the type of phone and plan selected. Also be sure there is language to speak to sharing the child’s phone password and other credentials for it and associated apps between both parents. Finally, note any restrictions on its use. For instance, before our son was thirteen, cell phone use was strictly to communicate with parents or to call another family member or 911 in the event of an emergency. You should discuss what works best for your family and children with your co-parent.
Video Calling: Will video calls between parent and child be permitted when they are not together? If so, which calling platform will be used? Facetime, Zoom, Skype, Google Meets, or something else? Take the same care with documenting ground rules for video calling as you did with audio-only phone calls. Document any time of day, frequency, or call duration restrictions you can agree to.
Emails, Texts, and Communication Apps: Does your child communicate with you or the other parent using other methods? If so, what levels of privacy are expected? May the other parent read written communications a co-parent sends to a child? And again, establish guidelines between the two of you regarding time of day and frequency of such communications. Does the family use an app such as Our Family Wizard to communicate? If so, include this information in your parenting plan.
Share communication guidelines with your child: In alignment with their age and capacity to comprehend such things, share with your child what communications are allowed, when, and how, along with any restrictions you’ve agreed to. Provide your child a printed calendar at each house showing when they will be with each parent. This will help them know what to expect and feel more secure in knowing when they will be at each home and see each of you.
Final Thoughts
Establish a thoughtful communication plan with your co-parent to manage expectations and avoid conflicts. Still, realize exceptions will come up. When they do, work to be courteous toward one another and your child. Allow reasonable flexibility when warranted and possible. This will go a long way in helping the two of you maintain positivity across homes. And remember, it will take more effort and care to be successful than it did when everyone lived under one roof.
For more tips on co-parent-child communications, check out my book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code available on Amazon in paperback, eBook, or audio book. Signed copies and bulk orders are available on TeresaHarlow.com.