Kids Need Both: Why Equal Shared Parenting Matters for Every Child
By Tammy Sullivan
"I love you both. Please don't make me choose."
A child should never have to say those words. But every day, in family courtrooms, lawyers' offices, and quiet back seats on the way to handoffs, children carry a weight no child should carry.
Children don't ask for their parents to separate. They don't sign the papers or pick the lawyers, and they don't choose the schedule. But they live with every decision made about them, often affecting them for the rest of their lives.
The question isn't whether divorce is hard on children. It is. The question is what helps them the most once it happens. After decades of research, the answer keeps coming back the same: in most cases, children do best when they keep both of their loving, fit parents fully in their lives.
That's what equal shared parenting is about.
What equal shared parenting means
Equal shared parenting means that after a separation or divorce, both fit parents share parenting time and decision-making as close to equally as they can. Both parents stay parents. Neither becomes a visitor. No child is forced to lose a mother or a father because the adults' relationship ended.
It doesn't mean ignoring safety. When there's real abuse, domestic violence, or danger to a child, protecting the child always comes first. Shared parenting is the starting point for fit, loving parents, not a rule that overrides a child's safety.
What divorce and conflict do to children
The American Academy of Pediatrics warns that children can suffer emotional trauma before, during, and after a separation or divorce.pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih
A major review of 92 studies found that, compared with children whose parents stayed together, children of divorce scored lower on academic achievement, conduct, psychological adjustment, social relationships, self-concept, and their relationships with both their mother and their father.2024.sci-hub
The separation itself isn't always what hurts most. What hurts is the war that follows. Studies link ongoing conflict between parents after a breakup to depression, anxiety, and conduct problems in children. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10938851/1`
Children aren't problems to be solved. They didn't break the family. They just want their family, not a fight.
"Please don't make me choose"
When a child becomes the messenger, the spy, the secret-keeper, or the prize, something breaks inside. A well-known study of teenagers in divorced homes found that feeling caught between parents was tied to high conflict and hostility, and to low cooperation.pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih
When one parent tries to turn a child against the other, the damage can last for decades. Adults who went through this as children show lower self-esteem, more depression and anxiety, and a higher risk of mental health problems.
A child is half of each parent. When you tear down one parent, the child hears that part of them is bad too.
What the research says about shared parenting
This isn't a new idea, and it isn't based on one study.
In 2002, a meta-analysis published by the American Psychological Association looked at 33 studies. It found that children in joint custody had fewer behavioral and emotional problems, higher self-esteem, and better family relationships and school performance than children in sole custody.apa
Psychologist Linda Nielsen later reviewed 60 studies comparing children in shared and sole custody. In 34 of them, children in shared parenting did better on every measure of well-being. None of the 60 found that children in shared care did worse on every measure. Research library | Evidence Ledger
A newer review from 2023 adds something important: it explains why shared parenting helps. Laura Vowels and her colleagues looked at 39 studies published from 2010 through 2022. They compared children in intact families, shared physical custody, and what the researchers call "lone physical custody," where a child lives mostly or only with one parent. In 75% of the studies, children in shared custody did as well as children whose parents stayed together, while children in lone custody tended to have the worst outcomes. The researchers found the best explanation was resources. Children in lone custody lose more of the relational and economic resources they need, while children in shared custody are better able to keep resources from both parents. They also concluded that keeping close ties with both parents outweighs the possible downsides of moving between two homes. Pub Med: Systematic Review
In Sweden, a large national study found that children living equally with both parents had fewer stress-related physical and emotional problems than children living mostly or only with one parent.jech.bmj
Some critics say shared parenting only looks better because those families were already doing well. Researchers Sanford Braver and Ashley Votruba took that question on directly. After studying the strongest research designs available, they concluded that shared physical custody is probably a cause of children's better outcomes, not just something that happens alongside them.tandfonline
What about high-conflict families?
This is one of the most common objections: "Shared parenting is fine when parents get along, but not when they fight."
The research is more hopeful than that. Nielsen looked at 19 studies that took parental conflict into account. Children in shared parenting still had better outcomes on all measures in nine studies, and equal-to-better outcomes in five more.mcpv
Ordinary conflict between two fit parents is not a reason to take a parent away from a child. In many cases, winner-take-all custody battles only add to the conflict. When both parents know they'll stay equally involved, there's less to fight over.
Even the youngest children need both parents
For years, parents of babies and toddlers were told that young children need one "primary" home and that overnights with the other parent would hurt them. The science doesn't support that.
A consensus report endorsed by 110 researchers and practitioners found that in normal circumstances, shared living arrangements, including overnights, are appropriate for children under four. Warshak Articles
Research from Arizona State University found that more overnights with fathers during infancy and toddlerhood went along with stronger father-child relationships later on, and those benefits reached mothers too.sciencedaily
Listen to the children who lived it
We don't have to guess what children want. When researchers asked young adults who grew up with divorce what's best for children, 70% said equal time with each parent, including 93% of those who had grown up with equal time.americans4parentalequality
Researchers also found that most college students from divorced families wished they'd had more time with their fathers.einpresswire
These are the children who lived it. They're telling us what they missed.
The law is starting to catch up
In 2018, Kentucky became a national leader. Its law now says there is a presumption, rebuttable by a preponderance of evidence, that joint custody and equally shared parenting time is in the best interests of the child.apps.legislature.ky
That means both parents start as equals. A parent can still show that another arrangement is better for the child, and safety concerns are still heard. But no child begins the process at risk of losing a parent by default.
Every state can make that same promise to its children.
You ended the relationship. Don't break their childhood with it.
Divorce ends a marriage. It shouldn't end a childhood, and it shouldn't cost a child a loving parent.
Equal shared parenting isn't about fairness to adults. It's about keeping loving, fit parents in a child's life after separation or divorce, with safety always coming first.
Every child has a right to the love and care of both parents.
What you can do
Never ask a child to carry messages, keep secrets, or pick a side.
Speak about the other parent with respect, especially when your child can hear you.
Keep your child's routines, school, and relationships steady across both homes.
Ask your state lawmakers to support equal shared parenting laws that put children first and keep safety protections in place.
Learn more and join the movement at SharedParenting.org.
A special thank-you
Thank you to Sean Allen Sr., Chair of National Parents Organization of Connecticut, for making the powerful video "Kids Need Both." It speaks in a child's voice and reminds us what's really at stake. Watch and share it here: Kids Need Both.
Because kids need both.
#KidsNeedBoth #SharedParenting #EqualSharedParenting #NationalParentsOrganization #NPOCT #ChildrenFirst #BothParentsMatter #FamilyCourtReform #CoParenting