Grandparent Alienation
Edward Kruk, MSW, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus,
The University of British Columbia
Grandparent alienation shares many of the essential features of parental alienation. This includes the “programming” of a grandchild by a parent or parents to denigrate the grandparent, in an effort to undermine and interfere with the child's relationship with the grandparent. It does not pertain to those cases where a child has been victimized by abuse, and the child is fearful of the grandparent as a result. The two main features of grandparent alienation are the child’s unjustified rejection of and refusal of contact with the grandparent, and the parents’ abusive strategies to denigrate the grandparent.
As part of my research agenda on children and families undergoing separation and divorce, I have conducted two major studies of grandparents who are estranged from their grandchildren by means of alienation. The first examined the experience of grandchildren who had previously enjoyed a positive and warm relationship with their grandchildren but suddenly found themselves on the periphery of their grandchildren’s lives following the divorce of their adult child, usually the non-resident parent. The second study examined the lived experience of grandparents who have never even met their grandchildren. A sizeable proportion of the latter group of grandparents had previously been estranged from their own child by means of parental alienation, and were still estranged at the time of their grandchildren’s birth. The immutability of parental alienation was made manifest in my second study.
Both groups of grandparents experienced a grief reaction containing all the major elements of a bereavement, but the second group were particularly distressed, having experienced the “double whammy” of both parental and grandparent alienation. The effects of alienation were particularly poignant, as evidenced by this quote from an alienated grandparent:
“It has affected me mentally making me feel really down and everything is hopeless. It has affected my confidence as I have beaten myself up about what I did so wrong. I feel ashamed that my family is broken and I haven't been able to fix it. I feel I must be a horrible person for my own son not to want me in my grandchildren’s lives. Allegations made in court were that I was manipulative and mentally ill and not a good role model which has affected my self-esteem. It has changed my whole mindset of trusting people. It affects every aspect of my life. I avoid social occasions, weddings and funerals as people always ask how my family are, and I know I will be judged to have done something terrible to not be allowed to see my grandchildren. It's made me question life itself as though my life has been one big lie. I put 100% into being a wife and mum and loved it and my family loved me. I was proud of the sons we brought up. I feel now like I failed. Being ostracised by people you love is an awful feeling.”
Given the growing incidence of grandparent alienation (we are currently writing up the results of a study on prevalence of grandparent alienation), it behooves us to map out strategies for prevention and intervention. On the preventive side, it is vital that parental alienation be recognized as a widespread form of both emotional child maltreatment and family violence, which affects a broad range of extended family members, including grandparents. Reform of family law in the direction of establishing a legal presumption of shared parenting is vital in this regard, as shared parenting is a bulwark against parental and grandparent alienation. Establishing a network of family support services to assist families in the separation and divorce transition, keeping grandchildren’s needs and well-being at the forefront, is also critical. In regard to supporting grandparents at risk in counselling, it is important to validate grandparents’ important role in their grandchildren’s lives, while at the same time encouraging them to take the high road in regard to maintaining good relations with adult children and children-in-law as gatekeepers of grandparent-grandchild relationships.
Vital strategies for legal and therapeutic intervention with alienated grandparents include connecting grandparents both politically and in mutual aid self-help groups, providing legal supports and advocating for law reform in the preservation of positive grandparent-grandchild attachments, establishing resources such as reunification programs and therapeutic services for alienated grandparents and grandchildren, and the development of multigenerational family mediation models that include grandparents in the conflict resolution process.
The case for ongoing grandparent involvement in the lives of grandchildren has been made clear in current research. Child development experts stress the vital importance for the child to maintain meaningful post-divorce relationships that are beneficial. Grandparents may well be the most important source of support to children during times of crisis, like divorce, a time when parents, overwhelmed by the stresses they are facing, are relatively insensitive to children's emotional needs. Grandparents can be the "safety net" in the family during divorce and other crises. Yet we have allowed grandparent alienation to become widespread, and at the same time largely invisible. Grandparents are reluctant to open up such deep “primal” wounds. And they are less likely to make use of traditional legal and therapeutic resources when experiencing agonizing pain. It is thus our responsibility to support children’s relationships with their grandparents. We need to be aware of the issue of grandparent alienation, and to develop tools for prevention and frameworks for intervention.