Supporting a Child's Hobbies and Talents After Divorce: Effective Co-Parenting Strategies
By Teresa Harlow
Divorce can be a challenging and emotionally charged experience for both parents and children. Amidst the upheaval, it's crucial not to let the pursuit of a child's passions and talents fall by the wayside. We’re talking sports, music, art, or clubs focused on more cerebral pursuits. Continued participation in such activities can provide your child with continuity they need in an otherwise changing world. It can also give them something positive to focus on and put their energy toward.
Supporting a child's hobbies and talents after divorce requires more intention and coordination to be handled affectively across two homes. In this article, we'll delve into various collaborative co-parenting strategies that you can use to coordinate with a co-parent on matters concerning your child’s hobbies and talents.
1. Effective Communication Between Divorced Parents Is Key
Maintain an Open Dialogue: Communication is the cornerstone of successful co-parenting after divorce. Divorce often brings about emotional complexities that can hinder communication between parents. Putting the extra effort into maintaining an open dialogue with your co-parent is the first step in setting the stage for effective collaboration on not only your child’s hobbies and talents but all co-parenting matters.
Compare notes: Share information, updates, and progress regularly, even if it's through email, phone calls, or a co-parenting communication app. If your child asks to enroll in a new activity, have a proactive conversation with your co-parent before enrolling them to get their input. Committing your child in effect commits your co-parent to a new responsibility. I’m sure you would appreciate being considered if the shoe were on the foot. And finally, use this opportunity to delight in your child’s special talents with another adult who won’t gag on your gushing. Of if your child struggles, talk about that with your co-parent and figure out how to best support your son’s or daughter’s efforts.
2. Balance Scheduling of Extra-curricular Activities Carefully
Balancing your child's time spent on extra-curricular pursuits with school and a visitation schedule can be a juggling act after divorce. Here are some tips to help you get there.
Shared Calendar: Use a shared calendar that outlines your child's practice sessions, lessons, or competitions. This visual aid helps both co-parents stay organized and informed, reducing scheduling conflicts and ensuring your child's commitments are met.
Flexibility: Be flexible and willing to adjust visitation schedules when necessary to accommodate your child's hobbies and talents. Flexibility demonstrates your commitment to your child's interests and reduces stress for all parties involved.
Overscheduling: The parent who loads up their children’s schedules with activities is not only committing both parents to the calendar of events associated with the activity but also the costs and constraints on other activities that this imposes. Even family rituals such as dinner time are often disrupted by extra-curricular commitments. Before loading your child and co-parent down with these commitments, consider if you are balancing the needs of everyone involved across all competing priorities. If you haven’t asked for your co-parent’s input before committing to a new activity, don’t be surprised if your decision is met with resentment or even rejected by your co-parent.
3. Financial Support and Responsibility
Supporting a child's hobbies and talents often comes with financial responsibilities that require some coordination.
Budget Creation: Create a budget for your child's extra-curricular pursuits, which both co-parents contribute to. This budget should cover expenses such as lessons, equipment, uniforms, camps, team fees, and other related costs. Sharing these financial responsibilities ensures that your child can explore their passions without either parent feeling overburdened.
Inequity Across Homes: If the financial means of parents differ across homes, co-parents should discuss how to resolve the inequity. While you are not responsible for your co-parent’s financial well-being, it would not be fair to impose unrealistic financial burdens on them without their consent. Additionally, telling a child they can participate in a costly activity such as a travel team without consulting their other parent lacks consideration. If you want your child to participate in an activity and their co-parent can’t or won’t pay toward it, only commit to whatever you can fund on you own and come to terms with that decision without harboring resentment toward your co-parent.
4. Attending Events Together with Your Co-parent
Being present at your child's performances, competitions, or exhibitions is a powerful way to support their interests. Of course, attending together might not always be feasible for divorced co-parents, particularly if juggling the schedules of multiple children. But when you can make it happen, it presents a wonderful opportunity for parents to bond over a shared interest—their child.
Creating a Comfortable Atmosphere with a Co-parent: If you do both attend your child’s activities, make the most of them. And don’t make them a minefield for everyone else to have to navigate. If you can sit together and keep things positive, do so. If you can’t, don’t talk negatively about each other to other parents. Also, make sure your child feels comfortable approaching either parent before or after the activity. I’ve seen the kids who are afraid to acknowledge the other parent for fear the more dominant parent won’t like them showing affection toward their “perceived” competition.
Virtual Participation: When physical presence isn't possible, consider virtual participation. Use video calls or live-streaming options to ensure both co-parents can share in the excitement of your child's achievements.
Share With Your Co-parent Videos and Photos from Your Children’s Activities: Want to score big with your co-parent and build a truly collaborative partnership with them? If they can’t be present, take photos or video of your child doing what they love and share them with your co-parent. Isn’t that something you would appreciate if you couldn’t be there or just forgot to take pictures?
Encountering Extended Family: If your family is anything like my son’s dad’s family, you will not only come face to face with your ex when attending your child’s events but also your child’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other extended relatives. Maybe you are on good terms with all of them or maybe they hold resentment toward you due to the breakup. Whatever the case, treat them respectfully and try to use the activity as an opportunity to reconnect with extended family in a fun atmosphere. If they try to provoke you, don’t take the bait. The damage it could do to your co-parenting relationship or your child’s experience is not worth it and will only risk you looking like the bad guy or gal.
5. Volunteer to Help with the Activity
Regain lost time with your child: For parents who seek to regain some of the time lost to a shared parenting schedule, volunteering to help with your child’s extra-curricular activities is an excellent way to do that. You could be a scout troop den parent, a team coach or assistant, or you could help in some other way in support of your child’s efforts.
Build Your Parental Support Network: Not only does this show your child that you are committed to being involved in their interests, it also gives you the opportunity to build parenting partnerships that can provide support and friendship throughout your parenting journey. Some of the most enjoyable moments I had during my son’s soccer years involved times shared with the other soccer moms and dads talking about our children’s trials and accolades.
6. Celebrate Your Child’s Achievements Collaboratively with your Co-parent
Acknowledging and celebrating your child's achievements is vital for boosting their self-esteem and motivation, particularly after divorce.
Symbolic Celebrations: Even if divorced co-parents cannot physically celebrate together, they can still participate symbolically. Send congratulatory messages to your child. Share videos or photos with them of their performance. Go in on a specially decorated cake together with your co-parent. If there is a special gift or party planned to recognize your child, contribute to those efforts.
Conclusion
Supporting a child's hobbies and talents after divorce is a shared responsibility that requires intention, and effective co-parenting skills. By prioritizing communication, parental coordination, and joint financial responsibility, you can create a supportive environment that empowers your child to thrive and develop their talents to their fullest potential, despite the challenges posed by divorce.
Remember, your child's happiness and growth remain a common goal, and by working together as divorced co-parents, you can help them embark on a fulfilling and enriching journey of self-discovery and achievement.
Supporting a child's hobbies and talents after divorce is not just an obligation but an opportunity to strengthen your child's emotional well-being and sense of belonging in both households. It is also an opportunity to forge a stronger partnership with your co-parent, which will benefit not only your child but each of you as parents.
About Teresa
Teresa Harlow is a professional speaker, co-parenting coach and author of the bestselling book, Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. Teresa’s blog provides valuable insights into co-parenting strategies throughout the co-parenting journey. Access it at https://TeresaHarlow.com/blog .