Co-parenting School-aged Children

As we approach a new school year, parents begin to turn their attention to back-to-school thoughts. What school supplies will your children need? What clothes will they want? When will the house be quiet again during the late morning and early afternoon hours?

My son’s father and I separated in July right before our son started kindergarten. Many studies have shown that children of divorce often earn lower grades than their peers whose parents are still together. And beyond the divorce itself, this can impact your children in the long term as well. Just think about how important grade point average is to a high school student when it comes to getting into the college of their choice. One bad grade and the damage is done. I wasn’t about to saddle our son with the burden of our choices right as his academic career started. And you don’t have to either. Don’t let your child become an academic statistic.

The onset of divorce is certainly disruptive. Your child’s usual schedule, living space, and family routines are suddenly all in question. As such, it is no wonder children lose focus during divorce. So do their parents.

But there are many things you can do and avoid doing to encourage your children’s continued academic success, especially when it comes to how you interact with the other parent on school matters. Let’s look at some of the combative behaviors that parents engage in which can undo their children’s ability to be successful in school following a parental split.

COMBATIVE BEHAVIOR

Co-parents Who Check Out on Education

When parents are going through a divorce or a breakup, they are distracted, emotionally distraught, and consumed by their own concerns. For some parents it is just too much, and they can’t or don’t step back from their problems to ensure their child is still fully engaged in school. Some ways in which parents disengage from their child’s school endeavors include:

• Not making sure their child’s homework is completed

• Failing to attend teacher conferences

• Allowing the child to skip school for emotional health reasons

• Taking the child out of school when moving households or to attend court hearings

• Failing to monitor their children’s grades or intervene if grades slip

• Not asking their child about their school activities

• Missing school performances, parties, and sporting events

• Stepping back from school parent volunteer activities

• Not telling their child’s teacher what is going on with the family
  

Checking out on your children’s academic concerns sends the message that it isn’t a priority. As such, the child may also deprioritize schoolwork and academic success. This will undoubtedly reduce their future potential, if not derail it.

Withholding Information from a Co-parent

Some parents are more comfortable being in complete control and shut the other parent out intentionally from information about their child’s education. Some avoid these communications for fear they will turn negative, accusative, or just plain uncomfortable. Others simply don’t think about it.

Schools have finally begun to recognize that all parents do not live together and are doing more to accommodate the needs of parents and children living in two homes. Some school systems now provide communication to both parents. But this is not always the case. When a school doesn’t provide dual communication for parents who live separately, the residential parent (the parent of record according to the school system) is the only one who receives information, and it will be up to them to ensure the other parent gets everything. If not, the nonresidential parent could miss out on:

• Report cards

• Test scores

• Disciplinary notices

• Attendance records

• School schedules

• School photo purchasing

• Sports schedules including tryouts, picture days, and equipment needs

• Special events

• Volunteer opportunities which allow parents to be more involved with the school

Residential parents should consider what information their co-parent needs to effectively support their child’s education as well as their emotion wellbeing. Not having the same set of information as the residential parent will certainly make this more challenging.

For those items that are more of a parenting opportunity than a requirement, such as an offer to purchase school photos, or announcements about special events, some residential parents may think sharing this information with a co-parent isn’t required. Of course it’s not. However, building a trusting and amicable relationship with a co-parent is more than just doing what is required. It’s about considering how they would feel if they missed out on special moments with their child or weren’t offered the opportunity to buy their school photos. If a residential parent wants their co-parent to be cooperative, they must demonstrate cooperation. And even beyond the co-parenting relationship, parents should always consider their child’s feelings and how one parent’s absence from special moments might impact them.

I’m sure some moms and dads don’t bother to pass on these types of communications, citing that their ex has never bothered in the past anyway. Maybe this is true. But enabling them doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it just shifts the blame to the parent who failed to offer the information. Could the other parent seek it out from the school? Sure. But we are dealing with a government entity here and they’re not exactly positioned for flexibility. Wouldn’t it just be easier and in everyone’s best interest to offer to the other parent all of the available information? If at that point they check out, this matter should be addressed separately and directly with them. But at least you won’t be their excuse. Remove that obstacle for them and for your child.

COLLABORATIVE BEHAVIOR

Most parents want their children to succeed in school. And sure, some care about education more than others. Whether you are considered the primary parent by the school and teachers or you aren’t, if you want what’s best for your child, you must do what is necessary to support your child’s education.

• DO remain or become actively involved with your child’s education after you separate from the other parent.

• DO let both school administrators and teachers know if you and the other parent are divorced or separated and if the child spends time living at each home.

• DO ask school administrators and teachers if they can send all communications to both parents.

  • If not, and you are the primary parent, DO make arrangements to provide the other parent with everything you receive.

  • If not, and you are not the primary parent, DO ask the other parent to provide this information to you.

• DO stay on top of things with your child. Ask them about homework, tests, school relationships, what they are struggling with, and those things that they find exciting.

• DO attend your child’s school events as much as possible. If you can stomach it, sit with your co-parent, and use it as an opportunity to bond over the common interest you share in your child.

• DO participate in volunteer opportunities when possible. This will strengthen your bond with the school community, other parents, and your children.

• DON’T expect your child to provide their other parent with school information.

• DON’T leave everything to the other parent just because they handled all educational matters when you were together.

• DO talk to the other parent if you notice warning signs pointing to physical, emotional, mental, or behavioral concerns with your child. With the two of you working together, you can both share the burden and contribute to helping solve whatever problems your child may be facing.

• DO reinforce the importance of education with your child to make sure they know you consider it a priority.

• DO discuss school-related expenses and how they will be covered between you. Be sure to include in the conversation how unexpected school expenses will be handled. What communication is expected? How will the cost be split? How will it all be tracked?

• If you are not the primary parent contact with the school, DO talk to school administrators, teachers, counselors, and your child’s other parent to establish plans for them to provide you with all information pertaining to your child’s education.

THE CO-PARENTING CODE

As you consider how to collaborate on education with your co- parent, here are some questions to ask yourself that will help keep your behavior collaborative.

■  How can you best support your child’s academic success?

■  How can you help your child’s other parent support your child’s academic success?

■  How can you best enlist the help of educators in supporting your co-parenting circumstance?

■  Do you consider your co-parent an ally in your child’s education?

■  Know that it is far more likely that your child will consider their education a priority if you do. They follow your lead and model your behaviors. Have you told your child how important their education is to you?

Teresa Harlow is a professional speaker, co-parenting coach, and the author of the bestselling book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code. For more information about her, go to https://TeresaHarlow.com.